Tai Chi Chuan - Perpetual Doubt Syndrome?

It’s hard to say it, but if you want to progress, you have to stop once in a while and doubt yourself. To look at this another way, I read a study once on people who never doubt themselves. Sounds good on paper because we equate not doubting ourselves with self confidence and that is generally considered to be a good thing. But the result of the study is that those who never doubt themselves make more mistakes than those with less self confidence (or less delusion depending on how you choose to look at it.) Surprised?

Oh no! you say, that makes perfect sense! Yes, it makes perfect sense except when the doubting comes from YOU. It doesn’t feel good. Knowing feels good and that’s the problem.

In tai chi, you need to be open to many new ideas. And then you have to be open to revisiting all those new ideas. Setting aside those of you who are geniuses and really have this tai chi thing down, to be open to new information is akin to admitting that there may be more to learn here than you first thought.

Maybe the whole principle wasn’t digested as fully as it can be. Maybe you even misunderstood the instruction the first time around. Perhaps you did understand the instruction the first time around, but that instruction was only 30% of the picture. Maybe the instruction works half of the time, but other situations require a different piece of instruction. Maybe (in your zeal to do it right) you are simply doing it wrong. Are you sure you have it right? Absolutely sure? How do you know you are right? Are you aware that habits feel good?

In tai chi, I think it is safe to say that today’s solution could be tomorrow’s problem. Whatever seems true needs to be balanced by the opposite of that truth. Yes, relax. But don’t collapse. Be upright, but not rigid, and so forth. That is why it is necessary to keep being open to a new, better, more satisfying solution or answer to the “challenge” tai chi perpetually presents. That challenge is wholeness. Being seamless. Finding comfort while discovering alertness. Balance.

After all, it can always be better. If it can always be better, then it is wise to assume that something you are doing is either wrong, or incomplete, or too shallowly experienced, not fully expressed.

So how do you proceed with an attitude of doubt, yet continue to want to practice or even enjoy practice? I think the answer is to simply enjoy practicing at whatever level you experience tai chi, and enjoy the possibility that this can even be more satisfying. If you take that positive approach, doubt is not depressing or an expression of low self esteem or low self worth. Doubt is simply a door to open to an even better understanding, that is, a better experience than the one you have. It can always feel better.

The other approach is craving that you have the final solution. A closed door in tai chi! Craving the final solution is basically a hidden desire to be king, a master, the one who wins, the emperor. Your ego.

Sure, it is fun to win in push-hands, or have someone compliment your form work. But that moment of ego will hopefully pass. It won’t give you an even more satisfying solution or process that leads to a better experience. It leads to nowhere.

Even the masters want more.