Tai Chi Chuan and Listening
I’m always amazed at how poor most folk’s listening
skills are. I’ve done a lot of work on my
own listening skills. I’d say I have
moved from D+ to maybe a B-. A few F’s here and there.
But even worse than listening to others, we rarely listen
to ourselves. By that I mean, what we
say, what it means, how others hear it – this never registers. Often, we are
clueless.
When we speak, there are two of us present, not just one.
And one would hope that tai chi might have some influence
on this because so much of it has to do with awareness. We begin with ourselves, we then work with
others. Yet how rare it is to see any of
this spill into everyday life.
Let me give you an example of poor vs. good listening in
life.
Poor:
T: I’m going to India.
B: wow, I know lots of people who have gone to India and
hated it, though some have loved it. I think people get sick over there so you
should be careful. The Taj Mahal is really worth seeing, my aunt was stunned by
it, but she doesn’t want to go back to India, too many poor people, too sad.
(We’ve all been there!)
Good:
T: I’m going to India.
B: Where? (pause.)
What brings you to India? (pause.)
Do you have your reservation yet? (pause.)
When are you going? (pause.)
The point being, good listening engages the speaker to
express themselves, poor listening takes control of the conversation.
In the poor example, B doesn’t even hear himself. He just rattles on, oblivious to the
statement T just made. (Because what T really said was: I’m going to India, do
you find this of interest?) In certain situations, if you tell B what he just
said, he may be surprised, deny it, or get angry. Or just not care.
The inability to hear yourself comes to mind in an example
in Stephen Sondheim’s Passion. Fosca
(sad, sickly) is walking with a soldier she later comes to love. He is rattling on about love in very
idealistic and noble terms. He doesn’t see her need, her challenge in terms of
intimacy, the improbability of attaining this ethereal concept in her sickly
and somewhat morbid state. She then lets
him have it big time, pouring out her reaction to his self indulgent puffy
nonsense. Let me paraphrase: “How dare you talk to me of such nonsense when it
should be clear to both of us that this will never happen for me. Why taunt me
with such a concept?” He wasn’t listening to what he was saying. Or who he was
saying it to. Clueless.
Tai chi.
It would foolish to think that tai chi would change all
this, yet the kernel of change is there.
You begin by listening to your body. For most beginners, this is a
foreign concept. We never see our habits, never see our inability, and never
see how our movement doesn’t match what the teacher demonstrates. Most who
begin tai chi quit rather quickly. It’s a slow process.
Then we work in push hands, and again, mostly your
partner is viewed in terms of what I want. As in, I want to do something to
this person. But the study is more about being WITH this person and you become
less and less while what they are doing/wanting becomes more and more. The only
way to hear this person is to be empty. A favorite teacher I know says, “There
is only one mind here, and it’s YOUR (the partner’s) mind.” His mind has been
put on hold and now he can better hear you.
I highly recommend books on listening. There are lots of good
ones on the market.
In tai chi, I recommend being even more attentive to what
you are doing in the form and what your partner is doing in push hands. By this I mean attentive like you might
observe a laboratory rat. How does it
move? What does it want? What makes it go for the heroin? Start with investigation, not manipulation. Be
curious. Don’t fix it, just see it. Give it some time to be itself and see what
that is. We move on from there…
We learn more from our flaws than from anything else.
Begin with here and now, not some fantasy of who you would like to be. Find a
time to listen, on every level, in some period of time, to something.
Just listen. Nothing else. Allow presence of this body,
air, that person, sound, a feeling, ground, silence.
